Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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