I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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