After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
