i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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