and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You smell like a Billy Joel song
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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