shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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