what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
