I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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