She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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