You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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