If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
