She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
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