Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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