she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
