I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
