Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
No...this little piggys going to the bar
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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