Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
