Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
