dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
