Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
