i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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