The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
