I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Randomize
