between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
