i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
