Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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