he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
