I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
that is very illegal...i love you.
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