on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
