He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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