So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
