One girl and one boy is just not enough.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
