Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
