I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
