you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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