Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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