I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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