I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
