I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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