Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
