First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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