Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
