i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
