Who did Billy Mays play for?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
