there's paper in my vomit.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
