I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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