you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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