1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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