my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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