my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
